A long time ago, I had a blog which was the original purpose of a blog, an online diary. Over the years, my posts shifted to specific topics and finally towards more of a commercial purpose. I honestly miss those days of giving form to my inner thoughts in the written word.
Granted, there are challenges in an online diary. How much does one share? There are safety and privacy considerations. There are boundaries in the form of what are my stories to tell and what are not? That line is often fuzzy, and erring on the side of caution is best. Still, my heart says “It is time once again”, and I have learned to follow my heart.
I am kicking this off with Susannah Conway’s Unravel Your Year 2019 workbook. Please pop over to her beautiful website SusannahConway.com and if you are moved to do so, sign up for this workbook as well. It’s free! I will be responding to the prompts here, but her gorgeous workbook has so much more for you in terms of guidance and inspiration.
Prompt #1: Explore my 2018 Word
I used to pick a Word for the Year, but I am not sure that I did for 2018. I do know a recurring theme of mine is the concept of FREEDOM.
The fact that it is a recurring theme, year after year, I find fascinating. If it keeps coming up, that means it is something I desire, but feel I do not have.
- the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.
- the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.
- the power of self-determination attributed to the will; the quality of being independent of fate or necessity.
- familiarity or openness in speech or behavior.
Given that my life is fantastic — well paid job, awesome life partner, excellent health, beautiful home — the lack of freedom is entirely self-imposed.
Exploring each of the four states defined above could probably fill their own full blog post on how I feel constrained. To keep it succinct, however, off the top of head:
The power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint. Familiarity or openness in speech or behavior.
Interestingly, all the hindrance and restraint is for my in person interactions. It is why I love the written word so much. I can type then edit until I have completely controlled the message. In person, it is real time. I act it, it is out there. I speak it, it is out there. I express my thoughts, it is out there. No editing, no deleting.
My friends and colleagues might be surprised at this, finding me open and honest. But to put things into context, as an example, it has taken me two full years in my current role as team leader to be completely me with my team. It has taken me that long to breathe into the familiarity and openness.
The state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.
I can give two examples of this. My fear of driving. This is a literal self-imposed imprisonment, confining me to not leaving the house unless Hubby drives. The other is a sense of being trapped in a job that chock ‘o block full of bureaucracy and total lack of creativity. Not to mention the highly technical aspect of being an IT shop. Hello! Artist here!
The power of self-determination attributed to the will; the quality of being independent of fate or necessity.
This one is huge. There are two aspects to this. First is a fear of the future; specifically financial future. The second is a fear of death; specifically, not having ‘done good’ during my lifetime. Both these fears have consumed the very fibre of my being for way too long.
Here’s the good news!
I can categorically state that FREEDOM is no longer my word. In the last several months of 2018, I have allowed myself to BE FREE, and therefore no longer need to focus on FREEDOM. I have it.
That, however, is an exploration for upcoming prompts.
Stay curious, my lovelies!